Year: 1997

Whew, it’s the end of the month, the end of the year. Where did it go? Why am I still here? Who knows, who cares, why bother… My non-attachment increases. At least I’m not giving away all my stuff… Next.

What’s happened since the last??? Lessee. The journal sez: made CD’s for Jabbz, destroyed my Mac & hadda start from scratch (I made a CD when I got it back and wiped it clean-a good thang to do occasionally…), went to New Mexico on work-missed 2 flights!, Xmas parties-Erika’s work & Jabbz, found a kitten outside, Christmas with both sets of parents (not at the same time), some kiteflying, and the usual-work, sleep, laze, driving, Erika…

What else—not much. It’s nice to have a girlfriend-even though it’s sometimes a bit nuts-we’re friends too, which makes it OK…I finally got a check from ACLU-waiting on 2 others-I need $$$ bad… We’re going to Vega$ for New Year’s…

Again, time is flyin’. A month has gone away-and it’s almost the end of the year! Oh, whell. At least I have a girlfriend, so the time passes a bit better.

What’s happened the past month? My PC crashed after trying to install Riven, my notebook crashed twice. Busy working at Fabco, not getting much done. Erika’s birthday was the 4th-we went out. Saw Susan Simpson-wish Erika had met her… Saw an interesting dance piece. Saw a taping of “Dharma & Greg”. Caught the flu. Saw Stereolab. Had Thanksgiving dinner with my parents & Erika. That’s about it.

What a crazy life-I’m really wrapped up in Erika & she in me. What a change from even two months ago. My cashflow sucks-waiting on checks-again. Whatever-I’m really not attached to any of it. We’ll see what happens…

Phew, what an eventful 2 weeks!!! I’ve met a nice woman-we’re fast friends and lovers-and I’ve only known her a week! Wow-after all I’ve written and thought about love and relationships over the past year or so-since Marybelle, actually. Hey, what can I say-things always change.

Event summary-the usual-lotsa work to get PII done on time, ACLU a few times-no Susan-oh whell. I’m going out only on weekends-except for Gamelan. Saw Philip Glass’ “Les Enfants Terribles”-a dance/opera. Went out for Halloween dressed as a Balinese monkey-fun… Went to the Foothill the next night-lotsa people dressed up as well…

And then there’s the girl-her name’s Erika-I met her at the bar Diane works at a week ago Friday. We went out Halloween and saw X-Files last night. We’ve also had some short visits and meals. It’s amazing-I’m totally infatuated with her-what’s up with THAT? In some ways, we’re going way too fast-we’ve talked a few times in some depth, but we hardly know each other, maybe slowing down is the right thing to do-maybe we should just get married and get it over with…tm…Whatever. In anycase, it’s a great feeling-the l-word keeps making appearances…As do other things It’s nice to have someone to think about-who I know returns my affections-not like the ones before. Diane is SO happy for me-now we need to find her someone…

And now October isalmost half done-oh, where does that time go? Nowhere, fast…

Factual rundown-the usual, went to Que Sera for Sat Lounge-that & Fennel & Hops-dancing-Peggy, Diane. Saw Porcelain Mary at Coconut Teaszer. Made up a buncha cassettes into CD’s. Saw “Intimate Immensity” by Morton Subotnick-modernist multimedia stuff-Wenten was dancing & I chatted with him after the show. Gamelan started-I’m playing chalung until things settle down, Westwood Brewery after-Tom Moser is back, there’s one nice young female (with a boyfriend-not that it matters)… Worked at ACLU Fri & Sun (no Susan :-(, saw Mention Fri., chatted w/Adi-him & Diane are over-I hate to say yay, but, YAY!!! Vietnamese Water Puppets Sat., saw Diane at work, party at Joe Negro’s that got shut down by the police. Exciting, no?

Anyways, that’s what’s happened. Time is time-I’m not sure if the fact that it passes so quickly is good or bad-maybe just neutral. I sleep SO much, that might have something to do with it. I hope Diane & I get together soon-she’s at school, but she’s the closest thing I have to a real friend, so I want to see her more-at least I got her computer working so we can exchange email…

Here it is, September is gone…I’m still here. I just got mail from somebody who read my essays-killer! I finally got the check from NABT, and promptly spent most of it on bills. Oh, whell. Next.

Here’s the rundown since last time-the gang went to Sunset beach-flew my kite, swam some. Took a bunch of photos of the light in my room and at the loft-some of ’em are good-we might use them for Sidecar. Saw the DeLaHoya fight, Porcelain Mary. More Sidecar tracking. Some thoughts about who I really am-a dreamer, planner and theorist. A slogan-“no need to breed”. Went to that hot club-bass player for Jane’s-another room-hip, hip, hip-SUSAN SIMPSON was there!!!!! Yay-I love her SO MUCH-wish she was available… Visited the ‘rents-the usual. Worked on Diane’s computer-partially fixed & I delivered it to her. Went to ACLU to help Glen out-no Susan-maybe next week-I have to go back. And the usual sleep, laze, TV, work, party-late nights.

I can’t think of anything relevant to say-I’m not sure what’s up and I think: whatever. It bugs me sometimes, and I have so many financial and work worries that it’s messing my body up. Again: whatever-I really don’t care what happens anymore-I’m losing my attachments… It’s OK, but troubling at the same time-I’m not really ready to be a sannyasin. I’m looking forward to gamelan…

Lessee-mid Sept almost. I am SO stressing for $$$-motherfuckers @ NABT haven’t sent the check-I am SO sick of their bullshit. I NEED that money. Actually, I need to win the lottery, get a rich wife, MKM, or a huge grant from Bill Gates… Yeah, right-as if ANY of that will happen.

So what’s up with me? The usual, home, work, laze, eat, sleep, TV, loft, etc. As far as news goes-the gang from the loft & some others went to S.F. over Labor day weekend-I drove up with Audra & some guy she knew. The guys flew up in a private plane. We stayed at her place there-in the Mission district. Everyone else stayed in Twin Peaks. We had lotsa fun-2 parties, lotsa food, a band, walking around, etc. We moved Audra out-drama… Played golf with my Dad Sunday-I did OK. Drama with Sherrie and Diana. Saw Ultrathin & Killingtons Saturday-hot-at this new place-no A/C, few fans. Fun, though. Adi wants to do an opera, we stayed up l8 Monday talking & working on it. That’s it! Bye.

Well, August’s almost done-(sigh) I am depressed. Oh well… It may just be that I’m lonely… I dunno-and I really don’t have anyone to talk to-chicken/egg & Catch 22 rolled into one-I need to make some sort of effort-I want to, but it’s SO difficult and I’m so tired. I think about four women right now, and a cloud of others and all the ones I’ve ever thought about weigh on me. Also all the other stuff in my life…Enough venting.

The past two weeks-saw that SF band-ran some errands then went to Smalls-killer drinks-one girl sat on my lap-but not the one I wanted. Audra DID call me the next day, but I had left for Baraka already. TOO BAD!!! It would’ve been nice to go with her. Baraka was nice, but the print was broken several times. Went to Foothill to appease some girl, & left Audra at the Loft. I should’ve stayed with her…we sat up later & listened to a kOOl new tune. Went to see Chris’ band-another late night-nice chat with Crystal. Got an Audiomedia II card & am starting to get into burning CD’s-changed my office around-Ken & Wolf were into burn some CD’s-watched Baraka. Went to a farewell party at the Blue-drank too much-chatted with Diane-mmmmm. Went to Satellite Lounge-Peggy was there! She remembered me! She’s dating Doug again (sigh) I’ll never find anyone…(sigh, sigh, sigh) And, as usual, laze, sleep, work, TV, eat, Loft, party, lotsa thoughts…I was rereading my old journals last night…Kinda fun.

Must work now.

Here we go again, another installment in my fascinating life. Yeah, right. Whatta joke…So, what’s been happening-the usual laze, eat, sleep, work, party. I’ve got fleas in the place-from the ‘rents’ dog-they jump on my leg & I kill them… Lotsa thoughts-I’m going over old ground & breaking a bit of new… I have a new friend/crush-I really, Really, REALLY hope this one works out…I NEED IT BAD. Oh, well. Started riding and working out again, sort of… Played with Ken, Wolf & Audra late one night last week-lotsa fun. Had a chat with Sherrie about how my life is changing. Worked on my house some. Went to see Wolf’s band Sat.-got there late. Drove down to San Diego to see Audra’s friend’s band play-late nights all last week (6am, 4 am, 3 am, 5 am, 5 am, 4 am) whew! Not much else-going to see that band again…One guess why…

Another month, another Monday. Getting the Delphi project finished. Heard from John Lake-wants me for another TP maintenance gig. Got to the final group on a Pw gig-they went inhouse. Had lunch w/Jim Dunlop-’nuff said… FINALLY got the NABT check cleared-now it’s time for the next one…More hassles, I expect.

So the past two weeks have been: the usual work, eat, sleep, party. Finally cleaned my apt., went to Que Sera-the usual dancing & people (Mary & another who was at Jabbz last night.) Dinner with parents for birthday-the usual. Went with Glen for sushi (total indulgence on my part) on my birthday. Went to Luna Park w/Ken, Matt, Jessie and Julianne-Jason Bentley was spinning-it was LOUD-danced a lot. Saw Chris Martin’s new band-sounded OK-stayed there L8, lotsa chat. Helped Gina out w/her laptop yesterday-she bought me dinner. L8 @ Jabbz, the usual. Lotsa thinking is going on right now-pages of it. I’ll write it up soon (yeah, right, and I’ll also start working out again…) Lates- Jabbz’s Mac is fixed, I bought an Audiomedia card & the guys are pumped to burn CD’s. Got shopping to do now that I have $$$

Well, I’m as busy as I get-working on this Delphi project-already spent too much time… Haven’t been flying-no motivation. STILL waiting on a check from NABT-I’m starting to sweat….

The last week-worked on Diane’s PC-driver problems, saw Mickey play, lotsa chat @ Jabbz, saw Men in Black w/Diane, Geraldine Fibbers @ Foothill, and the usual work, eat, sleep, party. Some good thoughts and realizations-I’m still fiddling while Rome burns…

Hey, it’s Wednesday, July is half over…I’m busy working on the new project for Glen…Well, not right now, as I’m finishing up online stuff. Past two weeks have been like many others-eat, sleep, work, TV, some partying. I finally got in touch with Susan-went to her 4th of July party-nice to see her and some of the others in that gang. Left late-I shouldn’t’ve driven home… Lendie had a bowling birthday party. Fun, though my bowling SUCKED. Played tennis with Diana a few times. I wish she was better… I need to start working out again. Jabbz’s mac died-sat around there for Sidecar one time, partied late-Diane was there… Had my parents’ dog for a few days-what a pain. The usual financial stuff… Not a lot else-I’m working through some of this physics/spiritual stuff. Later.

Lessee-it’s almost July. Almost my birthday. I’ll be 36, and what? I have absolutely no idea about anything, no certainty, no control, nothing. I sleep all the time, I’m not 1interested in anything, and I really don’t care. I MUSTbe depressed…

O welllll. Here’s what’s happened lately: Saw a band a week last Thursday, partied with Diane late, walked home. Danced a TON to 70’s music & trance at Cohiba a week last Saturday. Saw another band Tuesday, walked home that night too. Saw Batman with Diane Thursday, ate an Indian dinner. Went to a ballgame Friday. Went to Que Sera for Satellite Lounge Saturday, danced some. Played golf Sunday, flew my kite with Glen, had dinner there. I colored my hair tonight. Other than that, sleep, work, TV, online. I’m almost done with the NABT project, all that needs finishing is problems coming back from testing. I’ll start on the PII project soon, so I do have cash flow…maybe. I hate all this monetary uncertainty-one reason why I went fulltime. I messed my back up last week-not as bad as last time, but still annoying.

Anyways. That’s it. I don’t have any deep pronouncements as my birthday approaches, or any plans. I really don’t have a future either. All it is is present right now, and sleep. I had a neat dream this afternoon, where I was jumping from one episode in a timeline to the next-it was very cool to watch it as it unfolded-I wonder if I was the subject, or if it was just an imaginary narrative, or an alternative timeline? Who knows? Well, I have all these thoughts, and one day soon I’ll finally get them down and up on the website. Until then, they’ll stay where they are. Bye…

2 weeks passed-I’ve been broke, so not much has happened-spending time at the loft & the Blue, working (almost done w/old project-on to new one), flying, etc. I visited my relatives & parents’ friends in San Francisco last weekend-my sister was there with her baby-almost a year old now…I may be going up there to help out Kathy Barenfeld-the daughter of one of my parents’ friends. I’ve liked her for years. What else? Nothing from Peg-maybe at Satellite Lounge. Oh well. Hanging out with Diane & Adi at the loft-Centipede ’till dawn & zzzzz. Watched Dr. Strangelove with Lendie & Joe Negro-she bitched about the sexism of Kubrick’s work-whatever… I got a cold last week-from Diane? Oh. I pierced my ears a few weeks ago-my mom hates it. Not a lot else-I finally got paid & I have $$$! Yay!!! Later.

Well, here’s another 2 weeks of non-journal b/s… A bit has happened, as you would expect-my life is moving rather quickly right now…

We had our gamelan concert Sunday-it went well, except for a few minor gaffes-we practiced a lot over the past 2 weeks. Ken from Jabbz didn’t record us like he wanted to… We tracked some more Sidecar-I played tabla-Ken wants to track some more stuff. I’m spending a bit more time there… Had dinner with Lendie a few weeks ago-we watched Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead-she luuved it! I also went to a movie with Andrea-Surviving Picasso? Flew my kite a few times-Ken loves it… Adi actually flew once too… Helped Lendie out with some graphics stuff, helped Diana Harris out as well… Hung out with Diane on Sunday-we were up late… La equis… Went to a college party on Sat. with Ken & Wolf…yawn. Went to Live Bait to see Down & to another musician’s house yesterday…

And I met someone-Peggy on Saturday after Satellite Lounge-we kissed some, she didn’t take my number but said she’d get it from Julianne…

I’ve been busy, no? See ‘ya later…

Monday, again. I’d kill myself, but it’s SUCH a hassle for everyone concerned…Oh well, life will go on, and I’ll get out of it all eventually.

The past week: gamelan, Jabbz , Blue, kite, gamelan party on Fri-we played 3 songs, big gamelan gig on Sat-we played for a HUGE party at UCLA-black tie and everything…, watched the aftermath of the gay pride parade on Sun, shopping on Sat-got 3 sarongs. Met a nice woman on Sat as well-she’s a friend of the guys at Jabbz…And…work, laze, sleep.

I changed my home page again-put in an email graphic. I also reviewed the essays and stuff-maybe I’ll do the writing this week-I have so much to get done, though. We’ll see…I might also do some music-again if I get the time.

Well, here’s another few weeks, I was talking to Lendie about it last week-my life fell apart 2 years ago, but it’s finally getting around to doing it now…I am SO broke right now, I just ran up 15K of credit card debt to pay off a mortgage, and the gov’t is breathing down my neck. Anyone have 100K they want to give me? 😉

Enough. What’s happening? Not a lot, as usual. I must be depressed-all I do is sleep and laze and hang out at the studio. Went to see a band at a rehearsal studio & then to a movie, hanging out next door some, played gamelan for a cocktail party at UCLA, Ken’s friend Andrea wants to do martial arts, got to play on a Sidecar recording, had drinks with Diane, and of course the usual work, online, gamelan, etc, etc…

Well, I’m finally getting around to essay time again. The last few weeks have been wild and a lot of fun. I now have Lendie, who’s smart and likes to talk about all the stuff I like to talk about. Aubrey’s the same way, but I don’t know when I’ll see her again. A lot of the stuff I’ve been working on over the past few years is becoming clear-about infinity, focussed awareness, statistical stuff, fractals and 10-dimensional strings; thought bubbles, insanity and groups; and pattern languages, paradigm shifts and science. My only problem is getting motivation to do the writing for it. Soon, I think. I’m picking up a lot of software off the net-mostly AI and music. I’m also working with “the absolute minimum I need to live” stuff. Right now, I figure it’s an Airstream trailer…

Haven’t done this for a while-I can be such a laze sometimes. My back is pretty huch healed, except for occasional twinges in my hip.

Not much going on-at the studio often, working on automation, partying, etc. Went to the Foothill and to Que Sera for bands-alterna stuff… Flew my kite a few times-it’s been windy. Flew on the studio roof once-crazy winds, broke a spar on the Rev II. Not much else, online and helping outJabbz, gamelan class, Glen has a big project, Ken wants to record gamelan…

I met someone-her name is Aubrey. She’s nice and pretty, and has thoughts like mine. We spent some time talking at the studio, and went to Que Sera together. I walked her home and we talked a lot (kissed some too!) She’s in Ojai right now, and I hope she gets back soon!!! She’s staying across the street when she’s here…

There’s a kite comp. this weekend in San Diego-I’m not signed up, and I don’t think I’ll go. Too many financial and other stuff going on (especially Aubrey-she said she’d go to Que Sera Saturday!) That’s it, bye.

Well, here it is Friday. Again. I’m better that I was-my back is OK but my hip hurts now. It was horrendous for awhile, I couldn’t do ANYTHING. I was working while lying in bed…Even now it’s painful to do anything, but much less than before. I’ve been flying twice this week, with fair winds. I can only go to the closest beach, which doesn’t have great winds. I’ve been going over to the studio frequently-I got them a computer and set it up. We still need to work with the desk automation software…

It’s Grand Prix weekend, and the cars are doin’ their thing-which means NOISE and lots of people. I’ll probably go to the Foothill tonight and tomorrow-too crowded downtown.

Lessee…I’ve been to gamelan, had sushi with Glen-told him I’m back on consulting (he was HAPPY), did some work for my parents, Diane’s computer died, had some nice conversations with Lendie and Vanessa-they moved in across the street! Mostly my life has been about pain lately-it sucks.

It looks like I’m posting this once a week. It that enough? or too much? Let me know. My back is not killing me as much as before, though this week has been a lot of back pain all the time. I can’t do ANYTHING. I went to Jabbz Friday & Sunday-had fun even through the pain. We saw parts of 2 movies on Sunday & drank & chatted a lot. Lindy can’t believe I post toan online journal all the time-I must be an exhibitionist. Flew on Sunday-tuning up my Rev stack. I’m getting better at the Flik-flac…Haven’t flown since-I can hardly make it out of bed. Saw Mary play last night-she’s good-but not great… Sorry, Mary. Did the usual Blue schmooze-got Ken’s PMac today…We’ll see how THAT turns out. Not much else-all this pain has ruined the week. Looks like I’m going back to consulting… Veruca Salt is coming in June with Bush, ugh, at the Forum, double ugh, on sale Saturday. Guess I’ll have to pay, pay, pay for it-or listen to KROQ, triple ugh. Bye.

Here’s a week… Did _nothing_ this week…I am such a laze. My back is killing me. I reworked my main page-did you notice? Tell me what you think. I also worked on some of the other pages. I got two new Revs over the weekend-I’m trying to stack them-it’s not going well… I’m also fiddling while Rome burns… Didn’t go out for St. Patties’ day-I was ready to go-and didn’t. I also wanted to go out last night to see Mary play, and didn’t. What’s up with that??? Diana called last night-she was visiting her parents-we chatted for a while…Not a word from Diane…Flew yesterday & saw the comet for the first time-it’s kOOl!!! Almost ran into someone on the way back last night… I can’t wait until VS comes this summer…I’ve been listening to them all the time, and posting to the VS maillist-they were on SNL last Saturday.